A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
