I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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