Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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