Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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