I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
