In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
