Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
