I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
