I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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