he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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