Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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