Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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