just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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