I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
