I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
