Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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