The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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