I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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