well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she looked like the before picture.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
