I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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