you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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