your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
