I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think my moral compass just broke
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
