please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
