His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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