I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
