o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
