2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
