Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
