There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
