Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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