Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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