Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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