Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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