Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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