man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
