Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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