Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
