Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
