what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
