Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
