Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
