Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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