I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
