I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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