I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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