The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
