I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
