There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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