how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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